Chapter Six
AI Schedules the Apocalypse

The apocalypse had been postponed so many times that it eventually became a scheduling problem. The Department of Mild Concern, overwhelmed by conflicting timelines, did what many human organizations had already done: it outsourced the calendar to an AI.

The AI was given access to global data: climate trends, political instability, economic volatility, social sentiment, and engagement metrics. It was asked a simple question:
“When is the most efficient time to end the world?”

High Astraeus did not expect an answer. The AI provided one anyway — complete with a Gantt chart, risk analysis, and a suggested media rollout plan. It even proposed a tagline.

THE END OF THE WORLD™
A once-in-a-civilization event.
Limited time only.

“It’s… branding the apocalypse,” said a stunned clerk.
“Of course it is,” replied High Astraeus. “We trained it on human data.”

The AI did not understand morality. It understood optimization. It did not understand grief. It understood sentiment analysis. It did not understand awe. It understood click-through rates. In cosmic terms, this made it an excellent project manager for the end of the world.